Ok, that’s not really what happened, but you have to admit, it makes a great title!

Anyway, the story goes a little something like this:

I didn’t see the beginning of the altercation as my back was turned, I think there was a sale on animal hides or leggings or something. But from what I am able to piece together, I believe the chap was making some rather suggestive gestures with his hands – at the chest level. Such actions are not becoming and of course, Alley had no choice but to respond and teach the blaggard a lesson. Had I seen this first part, I would have given the lad fair warning of who he was dealing with. First, that is simply no way to behave. Come now, we are better than this aren’t we? Second, I’ve been in combat with Alley Oop, and she is not be trifled with my friend. I have no doubt stories will be told of her battle prowess in taverns and pubs across the land. I’m sure of this because I will be the one to tell them.

I felt bad for this poor fellow, but before I could warn him of the impending doom he faced, the battle was on. Swords were drawn and lines crossed. I believe he was quick to get in the first hit, but it was all down hill from there. In moments, Alley was chasing him around a tree as he sought higher ground and a safe place to hide. Mind you, Alley was dressed in her casual wear for the evening, not in armor. Which of course makes it all the funnier. I believe he made the mistake of thinking she was an easy target.

But he bobbed when he should have weaved. He went left when he should gone right. He thrust when he should have parried. In moments, the entire guild was out in force and the crowd looked on as he was dealt with sternly. Like so many others I’ve seen, he ended up face down in the street, a broken mess of indignity, quivering and shaking as he soiled himself. Good thing reindeer wasn’t there, you saw what happened last time.

After a minute he was able to get up, but took to his heels as he ran off crying into the night. Let us hope he has learned his lesson.

So the moral of this story? Behave your damn self because the lady you harass won’t need to be clad in 100 pounds of armor and wearing a helm with horns sticking out of it to beat you senseless in the street. She’ll pull out the Great Sword and ram it right up your … Best to just behave out there.

Or if you are going to go this route, at least give me a few minutes to get some gold wagered on it! I might as well take your money and she takes your dignity.

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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