I agree, not all my adventures go according to plan, but it’s not entirely my fault. I’m a victim of circumstance and end up in the wrong place at the wrong time. However, this last set out of outings proved to be more of a disappointment than normal.

It didn’t start off too badly as I took a trip to the Northern Grunvald Barrens. I need to pay more attention to place names as Barrens should have been a clue. It really wasn’t that bad in a hot and dusty wasteland sort of way. The rock formations were nice and the cactus were pleasant to look at. But the jocularity ended there as it came to my attention this land is teaming with Giant Scorpions. And the only good scorpion is one that has been cut into bits, smashed with a rock and set on fire. Not necessarily in that order.

I was ambushed by one of the reptilian devils and the flailing stinger caused me quite a fright. I was barely able to keep my wits as I jumped back and unleashed an unholy torrent of arrows until it was dead and then I flung a couple more just for good measure. When all of that was done, I poked it with a sharp pointy stick just to make extra, extra sure it was dead. Things have a habit of coming back to life around these parts.

Since the landscape all looked the same, I wasn’t sure which way I came in and had to circle around for awhile to find my way out. I passed the time by mining some copper. That is to say I passed the time mining copper until more of those damnable Cultists came along and told me to shove off. Egad, these guys are everywhere!

I’m not going to be greedy with the resources, but when this fellow tried to move me along and keep the whole bundle for himself, problems ensued. Death Touch to the kidney my friend!

But much to my surprise, it didn’t seem to phase this lummox. He came at me with a clear intent to cause harm so I had to leg it up the hill. I kept flinging the arrows, but this brute just kept on coming. He chased me round and round, but I managed to stay just one step ahead and kept shooting.

Finally, he’d had enough and dropped to the ground like a sack of the stuff Reindeer leaves behind. But in all the haste and confusion I was even more lost than when I started. And I found myself amongst some run down dirt buildings with more Cultists on patrol. Oh bother.

I climbed up on the roof and scouted around only to find the entire landscape peppered with men. However, fortune shines on the confused and I was right near the way out. I waited for the sun to set to make my getaway, but held my ground for a moment or two longer as I found something quite bizarre glowing on the hillside. Yes, glowing.

There were bright green orbs out in the distance and I felt compelled to go investigate. I mean, this could be a chance to find rare gems out here in the desert. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

I wish I had.

The joke was on me. Those were not precious gems that would allow me to live the life of luxury, but were instead Sand Elementals that didn’t take too kindly to me going at them with a pickaxe. Before I could apologize for the case of mistaken identity, this strange beast started to stir the air and shake the ground. I fired as I ran and through dumb luck managed to defeat it and settle things down. But there was no time to delay and I ran out of there as fast as my cloth boots would carry me. Fools me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and try to stab me in the back and steal my copper, shame on me.

In my flight, I wasn’t paying enough attention to my direction of travel as I should have been. As they say, I was out of the soup and into the fire. I found myself in the Savrenoc Timberland which didn’t look so bad actually. Could it be I discovered the small fishing and camping spot I’ve been looking for? There were cabins and even a delightful waterfall that I managed to climb. I even believe I saw fish in the lake. Oh my, what good fortune I was having.

But as I reconnoitered and pushed even deeper into the woods, luck turned to shite. I ended up in what was labeled Deep Savrenoc Timberland which was not delightful at all. The landscape wasn’t spoiled by the mindless dronings of the Cultists, but instead was populated with the equally annoying Elven Fighters and Archers. I hate those guys. So I shot them.

Of course, when you shoot one, the rest of them have to come running to investigate and stick their nose into things. So I shot them too. Pretty soon, I was shooting everything and anything that moved. It’s not a good technique I admit, but every time I turn around these days there is something trying to eat me, stab me or steal my brain. And I’m using those! It’s better to shoot first and wonder about the consequences later.

I confess, there was a trail of bodies left behind, but these things happen. You can’t go running around acting like you own the whole damn forest. Well, I suppose you can if you’re a bear or a wolf, but I shot those too. I was a bit jumpy.

How was I supposed to know the bears and the wolves actually do own the whole damn forest?

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So this is what they mean by Barrens. Sand, sand and more sand. I’ll have to keep that in mind for next time.

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Good heavens! How does a scorpion get to be this big? I wonder if I can make some boots out of his hide?

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Oooh, shiny! 

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What do we have here? Are these some precious crystals just waiting for me to come by and pluck them out of the ground for fabulous wealth and riches?

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Ah ha! Another fishing camp. This one might have potential. Hopefully there’s nothing dangerous or lethal lurking in there just waiting for me to open the door so it can pounce.

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Oh, this looks quite majestic. Now how the heck and I going to get down? I didn’t really think about that part before setting off.

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Burn, baby, burn!!

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Alley, far be it for me to criticize, but what the devil did you do to those guys?

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Well this was an idiotic place to pitch a tent. No wonder he abandoned it.

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Oh, this is just a fire hazard! Smells delicious though

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Oh, the indignity of it all

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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