Sometimes I wonder why I agree to certain types of adventures. I’m quite happy to go out into the Woodlands and cleanse out the Elven horde or trek out into the Wastelands and get rid of those Cultists that keep taking all the good vacation spots and I’m quite happy to head down into the sewers to root out the pockets of evil that seem to be popping up. But why do I agree to enter the Compendium of Pain and Suffering? No good ever comes of it.

But Alley Oop can be persuasive and since she already had two others in her group I clearly couldn’t be odd man out, that would make me look like a sissy. So I joined up with Alley Oop, Jobe and Alchemister and we ran headlong into danger.

Like a lot of my other adventures, it started off reasonably well. We gathered at the gate and with reasonable dexterity and precision made our way through the gauntlet of dangers. We kept a good formation as we knocked back waves of Skeletons, Mages, Elves and Saytr. It was all quite glorious really with victory after victory going to our side. We even managed to surprise the first Lich we came across and sent him into the Otherworld with great haste.

There was a bit of tricky business when we entered a chamber infested with spiders and slime. Oddly, the spiders were no match to our blades and arrows and in due course the floor was covered with their scorched and cleaved bodies, their little legs flailing in the air. But those slime, they are a different matter entirely. Those damnable things just keep splitting each time you think you have them taken care of. And to add to the frustration, the little devils hid inside the walls to prevent our attack.

We were held off for only a moment and then the solution came – the cleansing power of fire. Oh yes. Jobe danced in a burning ring of fire and over time turned their gelatinous, undulating bodies to piles of ashes. I took great satisfaction in that. They thought they could hide, but who’s laughing now? I am!

With that small but satisfying victory, I felt confident we would be victorious in the rest of our endeavors. But my excitement was short lived as we faced the room I dread the most, even more so than an unkempt privy – the venerable room of Liches.

I’ve battled through this room before and lived to tell the tale, but it strikes fear in my bowels and I feel each entry may be the last.

At the outset we had the advantage. We clustered together using a pillar and statue for cover. It was a good plan and was working well. The Lich found it hard to get to us and those that did got a steady pummeling from our seasoned band of adventurers.

We even managed to get last minute backup as Blake Blackstone joined in the melee and lent the smiting power of the polearm to our campaign.

But the tide began to turn against us as we had to content with Lich coming at us from both sides. And then the unspeakable happened.

While focused on the first Lich that had come into our trap, a second Lich snuck up behind and gave me a wedgie of epic and lethal proportions. The shock and ferocity rendered me powerless. The room went black as the sound of my screams echoed through the halls. Yet on top of this I heard the sinister laughs as he reveled in his diabolic attack on me. The Lich showed no mercy as he wrenched again, the fabric of my skivvies flossing my backside in a way that defies explanation.

And I remember nothing else.

I can only assume Alley and Blake lead the team to victory or at the very least to safety. I was of no use; the pain, the suffering, the indignity were just too much to bear.

 

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Well done troops! And no, I’m not hiding in the back or bring up the rear, I’m supplying cover fire.

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So many targets to choose from. Who do I shoot first?

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Stupid slime, thought you could hide in the cracks of the wall didn’t you! Well you’re wrong! Dead wrong! Dead and burnt and charred wrong! So there! Is it me or does that barbecued spider actually smell kind of good?

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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