Ardoris, city by the sea, canals, markets and home to the Shogun Siranto and his wife Khasi. It’s also the site of Alley Oop’s new home by the sea. Blake Blackstone and I were invited to come over and have a look, but first we ended up doing a small bit of mountain climbing. I caught up with Alley and Blake as they stood on the side of a mountain. It was indeed a fine view, but something struck me as odd. “I’m not always quick on the uptake, but are we on a volcano?” I asked. And indeed we were. And not just on it, but through a misstep, IN said volcano. I expected to be cooked alive, but the fire gods didn’t want me and allowed me to live. Awfully generous of them I have to say. I’m not entirely sure how Alley and Blake got up there, but the view was quite striking.

There was discussion of opening a hot springs style resort where the weary traveller could come and take in the healing power of volcanically heated water. It sounded like a fine idea and worthy of investigation, but they will need to overcome the pesky problem of the chocking, toxic fumes and the immense presence of danger. Other than those minor liabilities, it’s a lovely place. Of course if the belly of the beast decides to explode it will certainly destroy the cities of Owl’s Head, Owl’s Wash, Owl’s Nest and some other places named after an Owl, not to mention all the trees, the beach and some of the coastline. You have to wonder, who pops up a city next to a volcano? You’re just asking for trouble. Oh maybe not today. Perhaps not even tomorrow. And most likely not even next week or next month. But one day the volcano gods will become flatulent and we’re all doomed!

After taking in the scenery and formalizing a rough volcano centric business plan, we took a trip over to the water city of Ardoris. As mentioned, Alley bought a new home so her dreams and aspirations of being a lighthouse keeper have come to reality. To be honest, with all this moving around and frequent home purchases, I fear Alley may be on the run from Halmar. She doesn’t seem to stay in one place very long. I’m not sure what has transpired, but Blake and I are getting bail money together just in case. I’ve been down into The Clink to try and free Myron, so I’m pretty good with the lay of the land in case we need to bust her out. With Blake and I formulating a rescue plan, what could possibly go wrong?

But anyway, she has claimed a lovely piece of waterfront property with a sassy frigate moored nearby. It’s not her frigate, so Blake and I were devising a plan of how we could board it and seize control. Navigation is clearly not my forte, so I was going to leave that to Blake. I’m more of a swab the deck and maintain the poop kind of guy. For a good five minutes we had grand designs of the pirate life, searching for treasure and holding cities hostage. Alley slapped sense into the both of us declaring that neither one of us knew how to sail, the boat had no guns and without a crew or supplies we would either crash trying to get out of the harbor, sink after we crashed into a land mass or be lost at sea and starve to death. Plus, there was certainly no rum on board. Damn her and her rational thinking!

Getting back to the house, we took notice of the fabulous path and deck Alley had made in the water. It extended far out from the lighthouse itself and made for a lovely view of the ocean by sunset. Using the available resources and some ingenuity, she managed to sink them just below the surface of the water, but yet they were quite stable. A brilliant idea.

Since we were over in Ardoris, we decided to have a look around. First order of business was to swim out to the small land mass that is just in front of Alley’s new property. Since no one was there, I claimed the land in the name of Jack the Lamplighter. Alley and Blake refused to acknowledge my claim and wandered off.

As I followed, I discovered another island and was about to lay claim to it as well, but my land grab plans were dashed as it was already under the control of someone named Gulligan. How does this guy get an island and I don’t?

Well, no matter, as we soon discovered a wonderful waterslide high atop the hills. Blake and I immediately jumped in and tried to go for a ride. Realizing that Blake and I had broken off from the main group, Alley circled back, discovered our water based antics and decided to give it a go herself.

Alas, the water pressure wasn’t quite strong enough to actually propel us along. Undaunted, we ran and frolicked in the water until we nearly slid over the edge and plunged to our demise on the city streets below. It was at this juncture that Alley came to a conclusion. “This is the city water supply,” she informed us and our gaze followed the aqueduct right through the heart of the city.

I regret to admit that I may have tainted the water supply. I had a lot to drink before coming out on this adventure and didn’t want to miss out on all the fun. Sorry about that good citizens of Ardoris. But don’t worry, at those diluted levels everything will be fine. I think. I’m not a chemist. Be safe, drink the ale instead.

As we followed the aqueduct, not to be confused with water slide, we realized we were at the roofline of several houses. It was Alley who took the lead and made a leap from the waterway to a house. And what do you know? She jumped right onto the roof and was able to jump from house to house. Even though jumping is not a skill in my bag of tricks, I gave it a go and with resounding success. I was on the rooftop! I ran from house to house climbing ever higher. I was even able to make my way back to the aqueduct without causing myself undue injury.

The same cannot be said for Blake and I regret to relay that while he looked magnificent in the air and had spectacular form, his landing was a bit on the shaky side. This lead to a lean in one direction, an overcompensation in the other, and before Alley or I could offer a hand, he had run afoul of the roof, hit the chimney and slipped over the side. The clank of his armor striking the cobblestones below rang out through the city. Alley and I looked at each with stunned horror and then ran from the scene. Being wrapped in metal would surely break the fall and he would be fine. Or at least mostly fine. Not dead anyway. Hopefully.

Blake did reappear a few minutes later being only slightly stunned and confused from his fall. His did lose his mug of ale, so disappointing to say the least. But it was time to soldier on and within moments we were staggering down the water chute and took a new leap onto the rooftops.

It needs to be pointed out that the building quality of the homes in Ardoris is not equal. It seems some shortcuts were taken in completing these structures and I found the weak spot. Much to my surprise I fell through the roof of one of the row homes. I was stuck halfway in and was in desperate need of assistance. Blake quickly came to my rescue and seeing my plight began to laugh. Well, the joke was on him as the roof couldn’t support the weight of both of us and we fell into the room below bringing a large portion of the roof section with us.

Oh this was bad. At first we thought the house wasn’t owned as there were no furnishings at the top. We had a bit of a chuckle at the destruction we caused, but figured it would be attributed to some juvenile antics of the local youths. It looked like we were going to make a clean getaway, but when I exited through the front door, who should I find standing out in the street?

I bid the home owner a pleasant good evening, but she would have none of it. Seeing I had just departed her home while she wasn’t there, she let forth some stern words. These were followed by her using the business end of a broom on me and I had no choice but to run. Blake was still inside, but the jig was up and it was every man for himself! In the distance I could hear her questioning my mental capacity.

Being cornered, Blake made a bold attempt to turn the tables. He declared he was commandeering the house and that she would need to pardon the intrusion. When this utterly failed, I believe Blake tried to make restitution by offering some coins under the guise of new furnishings.

It was my goal to make it back to the docks and catch the first ferry out of town.


Right, so, ok, besides the choking fumes and the extreme possibility of death I definitely think we can make a resort out of this place. Thermal springs will be all the rage you just wait and see.


Wow, sweet deck!


I claim this land in the name of Jack the Lamplighter! No, Jack the Lamplighter in Braemar. No, the other one. Wait, where are you going? I’m claiming land over here! Recognize my authority!


Wow, nice view of the city and look at that frigate. Fine, Alley said we can’t try to take control because we don’t have a crew. Fine, Challenge Accepted! Who around here gives sailing lessons?


Hey now! Water slide! Oh, I see Blake is already building up some speed.


Hmm, not quite the water pressure I’d hope for. We’re just getting wet and the water is going up my nose. Although I do feel the water tugging at my knickers which might be bad news for both Blake and Alley.


Oh look, Blake is trying to fit down the chimney. No, Blake, no! It only works if you go down head first!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

One Response to A look around Ardoris with a dash of B&E on the side

  • Alley says:

    i’ve taken up with the smugglers in the sewers. why do you think you keep finding me in them and how do you think i afforded the lovely waterfront property?

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