After putting together my new color coordinated cloth armor and relearning all my valuable combat and crafting skills, it was time to take up the mantle of completing the Grand Tour and grabbing that Kobold Commander Mask. Despite my want, Braemar is not the starting point since we no longer have a Tour Guide for some mysterious reason, so I went over land, hopped the ferry to Novia and said hello to the find folks in Soltown. While they still have their Tour Guide, he was less than helpful and informed me the Tour Quest has been cancelled. This met with some resistance from me.

Oh look here you blue, metal bastard! There is a tour, there is a hat and I want it! Now cough up the information before I twist you into a paperweight and use your head as a battering ram! At the business end of my pointy finger, he went on to explain that all the Tour Guide automatons had been kidnapped by kobolds and were being held hostage in Quel in the southwest of Novia. He asked if I would look into the matter for him.

After gesticulating wildly for more information and threatening him with savage bodily harm, he kept repeating the same information and refused to offer up any more useful information. I had little to go on, but hanging out in Soltown wasn’t going to get my anywhere. I mean it’s a nice town, but still, no solid gold dancers. And without dancers, this town holds no interest for me.

As I stood outside the city gates under the darkness of night, I had a thought. After contending with the pain of said thought, I mulled over the words “southwest of Novia”. Well, directly southwest is the Restless Woods and that’s not going to get my anywhere except into the Restless Woods. And unless I’m mistaken, Restless Woods and Quel are not the same thing. Time for a new plan!

With that, I went north and followed the winding path up past Paxlair and began to make my way over to the southwest. I believe I’m on to something! There is a path. Sort of.

Oddly, this did not take me to the correct location, but I did manage to see if it off in the distance. Or rather, I saw Alley Oop off in the distance and she was standing in front of the kobold camp. Well, this is a lot easier than I thought!

Once inside I immediately made ready the flaming sword to prepare for the kobold devils to attack. But as Alley pointed out, I was premature in my ejaculatory call for battle. The kobolds were quite still and seemed rather oblivious to our presence. I wasn’t sure if I should be pleased or offended. I put the question aside as I saw several of the Tour Guides corralled just in front of us. They seemed unharmed, but something was definitely wrong with them. There is no reason for the Tour Guide to do the chicken dance, it’s just not cricket.

I tried to talk with the Tour Guides to get a situation report, but they just spit out gibberish at me. One of them even went so far as to say he was in the process of taking a dump. All right, conversation over! Just go stand in the corner or something. I don’t care what they’ve done to you, there’s no need for that sort of behavior.

After milling about, I found what seemed to be the man in charge, the Kobold Commander. It seems he was quite puzzled over the idea of sending the Guides out into the middle of nowhere and then going to look for them again. Since he needed something found, he gathered up the Guides and waited for us to show up. All right my pointy headed little friend, how may I be of service? I am all attention.

Apparently there is some weapon he wants brought back. While I’m fine with retrieving lost treasures and artifacts, I’m a little hesitant about going after weapons especially when those who plan to use such things aren’t wearing any pants.

But he wasn’t going to release the blue devils until I got him said weapon so I sort of felt stuck and agreed to his wild fits of fancy. Of course, where could this weapon be? It seems that fellow Ned, who happens to be amongst the automatons is on the right track. Fine, to the Crag Mines it is!

Luckily, said mine is a hop, skip and jump from the camp so why not give it a go and have a look? What could possibly go wrong?

I was correct in my timing and bringing out the flaming sword. As soon as we entered, a thug ambushed us. Oh, that Alley. One Death Touch to the spleen and it was all over for that silly bugger. They really do need to think twice about just bum rushing anyone who enters their lair.

Not learning from the mistaken of the first thug, others came lumbering out of the tunnels and tried to lay harm upon us. Turns out the jokes on them as we broke their necks like twigs and left them for death on the cart tracks. It sounds a bit rough I admit, but they started it.

But just when I was about to ask where we should go for this mighty weapon thing that has no name, I spied something with my little eye. Off in the distance was some sort of non-functioning kobold weapon. How did I know it was such? It said so on the label.

I took the device to the Commander and as he promised, the Tour Guides were set free. Alas, they embarrassed all of us by not actually leaving. Doesn’t seem like a whole lot is going on upstairs in those bucket heads of theirs. Not to be discouraged, the Commander did give me a mask so that I would look more handsome like the rest of his race.

Well, thank you for the gift and good wishes to you and your people. Not sure when I shall have the occasion to wear this, but All Hallow’s Eve is coming up so not a total loss. Hopefully there can be peace amongst our people, but something tells me no and I’m gonna have to shiv you scallywags in the near future. But until then, have a nice day.

And as an aside, I think that Kobold Commander should be in one of those moving pictures about miscreants that do misdeeds at night.

Anyway, that was it. I went to the mine, got some odd looking gun that is more than likely going to be used against me in the future and tried to set the automatons free. Well, I tried. Not my fault they want to strut around like chickens and wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

On to other business! May have to go back and check out that mine, could be something to that place.



Ah, so there’s the Blackblade Mountains. This looks like a good place to start heading southwest.


Yes, there always seems to be some mysterious bridge I need to cross to get to my destination. Certainly means I’m going the right way.


Oh look, over in  the distance, the Crag Mines, a strange new land completely shrouded in darkness, I must be getting close!


Oh, kobold camp on top of the hill. Well, this must be the place. I shall knock and say hello.


What the devil kind of pagan ritualistic dance goes on here?!


Oh hello Tour Guides, fancy meeting you here. So, which one of you has my hat? Don’t be shy, speak up if you know the answer.


So you must be the Commander. Swanky tent. Smells a bit like dung though if it’s not too rude to say.


Ah ha! Crag Mines, let’s go in!


Oh look, a completely unguarded weapon of who knows what sort of power. Better take that with me before it goes off and puts an eye out.


Huzzah! Mission complete! The kobolds have some sort of new death ray and I got this cool mask! RAWR!!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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