My first attempt to construct a siege fortress did not go according to plan. It sprouted with the greatest of intentions, but labor disputes, relentless requests for safety precautions, and a never ending need to be fed and given ale, brought the project to a halt. I simply couldn’t work with those sorts of demands and dismissed the entire miserable lot.

The second attempt was spectacular and would have been made more spectacular had it been erected on the correct location. Although my design parchments were perfectly clear, this escaped the budget labor I had enlisted. Even with their claims of the parchment being upside down, it still would not have walled off that poor citizen.

On the bright side, it was revealed that said citizen suffered from a scorching case of the zombie plague and was not fit to be in the company of man nor beast. Had he not been contained and subsequently died a slow and painful death with no one around to ease his suffering, we could have all been infected. Further, the owner of the house, who was conveniently away during the mishap, shall be interrogated thoroughly upon his return as to where he has been and who he has been in contact with. And most likely charged with reckless endangerment of the entire community.

However, we learn more from our mistakes than our successes, which confirms why I am a genius, and for my third and final attempt, I took up the chisel and constructed a masterpiece on my very own.

The first order of business was to knock down the previous rubbish. This proved more difficult than anticipated as I only possessed a hammer. But I swing that hammer with enviable might!

The next point of contention was removing the rubble. As I have no horse and cart, I had to dispense the debris the old fashioned way. This also proved difficult as there was no repository to contain the cast offs. After filling the outhouse to the point of overflowing, I was left to throw the granite chunks into the pond. All we need is a good solid day of rain and the pond will return, I’m quite sure of that.

With the area cleared, I set to work. Using ancient methods to line and situate the walls, I constructed a grand structure. Alas, I noticed too late that the ancient method I was using should have been employed in the construction of a tomb, not a fortress. They are close enough in usage, and as such, I was undeterred.

My enclosure came together quickly and became a tribute to my need for revenge. The walls were impenetrable. The corner spires were easily defended. The gates were nigh impassable. Soon, oh so very soon, I would be able to lay siege.

To confirm my layout, I took to the skies in my balloon and surveyed my accomplishment with great relish. I observed that once my thirst for vengeance has been satiated, my new enclosure will make a fine arena. That day will be coming soon.

I shall call my fortress a success and as such, I shall let loose the Obsidian Stags of war. Sleep with one eye open Alchemister, you never know when I’ll strike.


So let me see here. Placed on the right property. Walls a straight. The spiky bits point upward. Yes, it has everything I need!


Yes indeed, it does look very forboding and formidable from up here. That’s a good look.


Hello battle arena accoutrements


Oh, yes indeed, it does look foreboding as you come over the rise. Very nice. Once I get that shipment of hot oil, it will be perfect.


After all that, it’s time for a nap.
And then, Devastation!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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