My dreams of becoming a lighthouse keeper were shattered by my failure to pass the required lighthouse keeper examination, one I feel to be riddled with inaccuracies and false information. I refuse to acknowledge that the primary function of a lighthouse is for something other than aerial hot tub diving and a rooftop location for the consumption of libations. The lighthouse board tried to convince me it was related to the movement of freight. How preposterous, a lighthouse can’t move!

These misguided beliefs have forced me to file a stern grievance and to put forth a demand for a full refund related to the course materials that aren’t even useful for reading in the outhouse.

It was a stinging setback and took several hours of recovery at the tavern to realize my aspirations stood right before me. Thus, I have turned my attention to the noble profession of the inn keeper. I am intimately familiar with the ale distribution side of the business and there are no trifling edicts and dictates over their function or sanitation. So, I have begun construction of my very own lodgings.

It’s a shame that reliable, cheap and indeed sober construction labor is in short supply in this realm. Based on my previous construction projects, I sought to hire only the best and most skilled. With those lads unavailable and the prison system no longer sanctioning the use of inmates for work release, I felt the charitable thing was to let the Thugs have an opportunity to change their wicked ways and earn an honest living.

My trespass into their camp was met with the usual insults and threats of violence. It was necessary to incinerate the first few naysayers until I could instill calm and have them consider my proposal. I admit, this was done with my boot to the back of their leader’s neck, but hard times call for hard measures.

They seemed eager to forego stabbing adventurers in the back with their halberds in the hopes of eking out a few coins and took up the cause to construct an inn worthy of the town. We went over the plans of my grand vision multiple times and when the goal was firmly understood, they set to work.

The cornerstone was positioned in a prime location with a scenic view, easy access to local services and shaded by some old growth trees. After completion I will add touches of style and panache with the inclusion of a fence, plant decorations and the construction of a splendid tavern on the first level.

The troop worked to erect the edifice in record time, but some corners were shaved and some liberties taken with my design and layout, giving rise to alterations I’m not sure I agree with.

While I admire the robust aroma of wood, I feel the lashings of green trim and frilly dragon spine styled adornments are not quite to my fancy. These came at the behest of the foreman they call Gunther, a tall, strapping man, who sees fit to walk around in furs he’s stripped off the local wildlife and swings an oversized mallet with reckless abandon.

When questioned on these finer detail changes, he simply replied, “You will like.” Due to his tone and emphasizing his points with liberal use of the mallet, it seemed more of a command than question. In the end, he convinced me it was a minor detail and it was best to simply move on. I felt compelled to agree.

I also feel he possessed too much zest in regards to the number of floors and rooms. I felt two floors were more than adequate for an establishment of this kind. Gunther disagreed. Each time I brought up the topic, he would bellow, “The bigger the inn, the closer to Valhalla!”

I’m not familiar with Valhalla’s location, so the comparison was lost on me. Perhaps this is how construction is done in the northern part of the realm.

Nevertheless, the construction has been completed and without further means of employ, I had to  return the Thugs to the forest where they are no doubt making ready for some sort of late night raid. I encouraged Gunther to visit Braemar and to specifically seek out Halmar. He is always looking for someone to help with odd jobs.

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Now see here. Who’s responsible for all this frilly green nonsense? And for the love of moderation, who thought it would be a good idea to make is so blasted tall? I was going to charge outragous rates and pocket the spoils. Now I will have to charge outrageous rates just to recoup my expenditures.

I do like that smell of wood though…

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Oh no! There is fungus among us! I wonder if the green mushroom takes like lime. Let’s go find out.

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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