True words indeed my friends! True words indeed.
During my time as a legendary adventurer of note, I have been engaged by some rather unscrupulous citizens to retrieve some rather peculiar objects from some rather sullied and needlessly dangerous locations. This has lead to some less than savory encounters, with some nefarious characters of ill repute, who were less than willing to aid me in my endeavors. But this last request made me feel uneasy.
Several moons ago I was engaged by a ritualist to retrieve certain relics from a pair of trolls. I say relics, but I question that description. In fact, I should have questioned many things. I do not subscribe to the idea of a toenail as a relic. And certainly not one from a troll.
Mind you, I have no qualms with dispatching trolls. They are ill tempered sods, who, no matter how many times you extend a hand in camaraderie, or explain they have claim to horde bridge crossings, always cast aspersions and throw stones. It’s the casting of stones that bothers me most, so they deserve a solid thrashing from time to time.
But dispatching a troll, then engaging in toenail removal seems beneath me. Not to mention a hideous endeavor as it means touching those carbuncle covered feet. But, the promise of a fabulous reward compelled me to undertake the task and so I set off.
While strolling through the hills in meditative contemplation as to which bridge the troll may be lurking under, a rock was thrown into my mental pond and a troll leapt out from behind a rock outcropping.
The Senora and I quickly engaged in battle and with the calming nature of Immolation, the quelling nature of a fiery sword, and a Stone Fist to the underside of the kilt, we were victorious.
While it gave me no pleasure, and was quite possibly the most heinous act I have ever engaged in, I did indeed remove a toenail from each troll. The nearby river was soiled to putrescence as I cleansed said items before putting them in the folds of my robe.
With that sordid business out of the way, I must now make my way back to Tenebris Harbor to see what manner of reward awaits.
I shall stand here a moment and change my perspective. If I was a no good, no account troll, where would I hide? Besides a pub…
Huzzah! We have been victorious. Perhaps Senora, you could assist me in the toenail removal process? If we surround ourselves with flame, will that protect us from the plague and pestilence that surely exists on his person?
Victorious again! I had my doubts. Removing a toenail is one thing. Keeping it on my person is a mental and physical application that goes beyond my endurance.
One more and we can rid ourselves of this place. Fetch a stick Senora. I’m not touching this filthy rapscallion with my bare personage. I am getting the screaming horrors just thinking about it.
More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia
- I take great pride in putting the Troll in a headlock
- Attack of the Fire Harpy and the Shiving of the Troll
- The Drunken Ritualist of Tenebris Harbor
- How to train your dragon with Alley Oop
- This trolling must cease and desist
- A bridge too far. A troll too big. A Kilt of no return – Trolls in Shroud of the Avatar Release 20
- Jobe quells the hot temper of the Fire Chicken in Wynton’s Folly – On His Own
- The SpiDeer, it haunts my dreams
- Finding Some Lucky Leather in South Drachvald Spur
- Xavara, I have you now