Windy, what the deuce goes on here?

Where did that befuddled traveler go?

Shouldn’t there be some sort of wagon in distress? Perhaps a shepherdess looking for her lost flock?

What manner of filthy pumpkin husbandry goes on in this fetid glade?

Holy Halmar’s Teeth what is that coming straight at us?

You’re absolutely right Windy, shoot first, ask questions later! That’s a good stratagem!

Away I say, you pumpkin-headed spawn of devilry! Your reign of terror ends today with a wicked shot right to the babassu!


Oh the humanity! Fear not my little darling. With just a few snips of my trusty sickle, we’ll have you out of this horrible place once and for all. My pumpkin devotees will welcome you with open arms. Not arms per se. More of a prickly, viney, hug if you will.

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Groggery, what are you implying? Of course that is a genuine Razorback trophy that I tracked and hunted down myself. At great peril to my personage I might add. Yes, some might say the odds were a trifle in my favor since having thumbs gave me the ability to wield the the flaming sword with impunity. Not to mention pelting the beast with the flaming arrows from atop that rocky plinth he chased me up.

Regardless, it was an epic battle to be sure and I am the victor as witnessed by his head being on the wall of my dwelling and not my head on the wall of wherever it is that he resides.

I should have you turned into spare parts for the clocktower for the aspersions you have cast at me this day!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia


Alley, you are my savior once again. That has got to be the most annoying mosquito I have ever come across. It has driven me to the verge of madness with it’s buzzing, and screeching, and swooping, and gnawing at my ear. Not to mention the never ending barrage of guano it seems to secrete. It’s accuracy may be the stuff of legend, but still, the excreta burns my flesh and stings my eyes. It’s an abomination of the first order!

I don’t know what the miserable sods feed upon, but something must be done. This is a ridiculous size for a flying insect, someone will get hurt!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia


Now see here chicken. I have been on both sides of this road and there is nothing special about making the crossing. You need to pick a side and put this endless question to rest once and for all.

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia


There’s always a catch, and I’m not referring to the fishing. One of the reasons I chose this camping getaway location was for it’s reputation of having a sincere pumpkin patch. Turns out that is nothing more than lies, deceit and marketing propaganda. We’re surrounded my minions of Pumpkinhead! And he ran scared months ago!


Let that be a lesson to you and your gourdy confederates! I may be on holiday, but I will take time out to roast your seeds over an open fire if there is a call for it!

More brilliant musings about my adventures in New Britannia

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